good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize