Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Randomize
