So drunk, too bad you don't want this
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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