so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
