Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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