I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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