He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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