I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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