no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
