i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize