Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Randomize
