why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
