alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
