If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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