he thought i was a dude.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
