I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
