I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
