just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
