I faked an abortion last night.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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