overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
