God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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