I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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