Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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