You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
