Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
