i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
