We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Oh god it's open bar.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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