At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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