I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I can text with my tongue
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
