I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
