No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
