Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
