I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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