Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
