That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
