conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
