You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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