sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
