I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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