I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
