Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
