I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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