dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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