We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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