I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
