His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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