I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
