last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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