I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize