I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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