there's paper in my vomit.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
