Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
