What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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