this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
