I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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