White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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