Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
