Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
