I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
