I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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