i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
