peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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