I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize