Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
