One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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