Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
